1. Kiss everyone hello

One kiss on the cheek in São Paulo, two in Rio, three if you’re feeling generous. Handshakes are for job interviews.

2. Say “tudo bem?” and never wait for the answer

It means “how are you?”, but it’s a greeting, not a question. The correct reply is “tudo bem!” Nobody wants to hear about your flight.

3. Run on Brazilian time

Invited for 8? Arrive at 9. Leave at 3 a.m. (One exception: the wedding. Please be on time. We’re serious.)

4. Put ketchup on your pizza

And mayonnaise. Then eat it with a knife and fork. Don’t look at us like that.

5. Shower at least twice a day

Three times if you went to the beach. Brazilians take showering very, very seriously.

6. Bring a canga, not a towel

A canga is a light sarong you lie on, wrap around you and wave around at the bar. Beach towels are how cariocas spot a gringo from 100 meters away.

7. Never put your purse on the floor

Your money will run away. Every Brazilian grandmother agrees, and you do not argue with Brazilian grandmothers.

8. Clap for the sunset

At Arpoador, when the sun drops behind Dois Irmãos, the crowd applauds. Join in. It earned it.

9. Pick a football team and suffer for it

Flamengo, Fluminense, Botafogo or Vasco. Choose carefully: it’s for life, and family dinners depend on it. (Ask Fabian before you choose.)

10. Laugh in text with “kkkkk”

“Haha” is for tourists. In Brazil you laugh with k’s, and the funnier it is, the more k’s you use. kkkkkkkkk.

11. Drink mate on the beach

Not the Argentine kind in a gourd. In Rio, “mate” is ice-cold sweet tea poured from metal tanks by vendors shouting “Mate! Limão!” up and down the sand. Order it half-and-half with lemonade, like a local.

12. Eat Biscoito Globo

Light, crunchy rings made of cassava starch, sold on Rio’s beaches since the 1950s. It tastes like air and salt, and you cannot stop at one. Mate in one hand, Globo in the other: that’s the carioca uniform.

13. Call the waiter “amigo”

Raise a hand, catch their eye and say “Ô, amigo!” Bonus points if you whistle. Nobody will think you’re rude; they’ll think you’re from here.

14. Drink a caipirinha (then another)

Cachaça, lime, sugar and ice: Brazil’s national cocktail. It tastes like juice and hits like a samba school. Pace yourself. Or don’t; it’s a wedding.

15. Play futevôlei

Beach volleyball, but no hands allowed: only feet, chest and head. It was invented on Copacabana in the 1960s, and the locals make it look easy. It is not easy.

16. Eat at Outback Steakhouse

Brazilians are obsessed with it. There are lines on weekends, everyone has a favorite order, and word on the street is that many of them think it’s Australian. It’s from Florida. Don’t tell them.

Bonus: say “sim” to “CPF na nota?”

At almost every checkout in Brazil, the cashier asks if you want your CPF on the receipt. Now, finally, you have one.